Engaging with pornography can be a deeply complex and personal experience. For people of faith, it often evokes profound feelings of shame, guilt, and disconnection from God. And though studies continually show that a “vast majority” of males, and a large percentage of females, have history with porn use, paradoxically, it is extremely isolating and lonely. You may feel like you are the only one.
This discussion explores, with empathy, but practicality, perspectives on how God may respond when someone views pornography. The intent is to open thoughtful inner dialogue about reconciling behaviors with beliefs. There are no easy answers, and everyone’s experience is different.
We acknowledge that many people struggling with pornography feel profound and ever building pain. This pain has led some to distance themselves from organized religion in hopes of finding freedom. Their path is understandable and deserving of respect. Neither path is easy, choosing to remain or choosing to leave, and both can be excruciatingly difficult.
A recent study considered the impact of pornography use on religious individuals:
A major component of the research was exploring the “damaged goods hypothesis,” as it relates to porn use. The damaged goods hypothesis is the theory that some people come to view themselves as deficient, immoral, or tainted. As a result of viewing themselves that way, a “damaged” person isolates themselves from the social supports and personal engagement which would actually counteract these negative self-perceptions. It becomes a scary, sad, and circular self-fulfilling prophecy.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201704/religious-conflict-makes-porn-bad-relationships
Doesn’t Leaving Religion Leave all the Problems Behind?
Departing from religion does not automatically resolve the inner turmoil that drove someone away in the first place. Research shows that problematic behaviors like pornography viewing can impact wellbeing and relationships, even outside a religious context. The guilt, shame or perceived judgment that led someone to leave their faith community does not always disappear when the religious label is removed. The personal and relational struggles remain complex.
Seeking freedom is an understandable response to pain. But true freedom requires facing the deeper root causes hurting us and those we love. Supportive communities that foster openness, vulnerability and human connection can aid this healing process. If a supporting community is not available, then a supporting understanding of God’s role in our healing may be beneficial.
Common ways individuals might think about God after looking at porn
God is upset: Some individuals may believe that God is disappointed or angry with them for engaging in pornography. They might perceive their actions as a violation of their religious or moral principles, leading to feelings of guilt and fear of divine retribution. These words might travel through their brain for a period of time: “I’m not going to heaven anymore”.
God still loves me but is ashamed of me: In this perspective, individuals might believe that God’s love is unconditional, but they feel a sense of shame and unworthiness due to their actions. They might struggle with self-judgment, believing that they have let God down.
God hates me: Some people will think that God hates them and that their pornography use is the cause of their life’s failures or even broader calamities and disasters that happen around them. This is the “God is punishing me mentality”. They may feel that their work, family or home life suffers greatly when they look at porn because God has stopped blessing them (or is now punishing them).
I hate myself: Some individuals may internalize their perceived wrongdoing and develop self-hatred as a result. They feel unworthy of God’s (or their spouses, parents, etc.) love and forgiveness, leading to a negative self-image and diminished self-esteem. They might believe that God is right (that they shouldn’t look at porn) and they are wrong (by looking at porn) and the more they hate themself the easier time God will have of forgiving them.
God is not giving up on me, and I will keep trying until I can quit: This more “modern” religious approach or perspective seems to reflect a sense of hope and determination. However, this cycle of failure followed by temporary periods of joy and hope can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience for individuals struggling with pornography use or any addictive behavior. This pattern of feeling hopeful during periods of abstinence and then experiencing a moral rejection when relapse occurs can exponentially contribute to feelings of worthlessness.
I can’t please God, so I am leaving him: It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed and frustrated when facing challenges or perceived shortcomings in one’s relationship with God. Some people leave God in an attempt to also leave their guilt and pain behind.
But how does God really feel?
Luke 9:10: When the apostles returned, they reported to Jesus what they had done.
(Right, we get it, they hadn’t just looked at porn and weren’t returning to Jesus for a confession. They were coming back to report on their time away, preaching and healing).
The apostles returned to Jesus to share their experiences, their successes and their failures, symbolizing a moment of confession and disclosure. They wanted to share, because he was a good listener. Similarly, those who are grappling with pornography use may feel the weight of their actions and the need for absolution.
When the apostles returned, they reported to Jesus what they had done.
Luke 9:10
Many others came to know about this Jesus, who displayed a remarkable willingness to listen to their concerns, offer healing to their wounds, and share in their moments of grief.
But the crowds learned about it and followed him. He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.
Luke 9:11
And they came with flaws and failings weighing heavy and their shame and spiritual hunger, fatigue and relationship issues, lack of confidence, self hatred and exhaustion from exerting effort after effort, slowly destroying their souls and confidence…..
And they almost left, because their religion felt like it was pushing them away, not healing them. They felt worse going to church, not better.
Late in the afternoon the Twelve came to him and said, “Send the crowd away so they can go to the surrounding villages and countryside and find food and lodging, because we are in a remote place here.”
Luke 9:12
Yet, Jesus offered a listening ear to their stories of pain (he didn’t take away the problem, didn’t stop the addiction, didn’t heal the relationship with the grieved spouse, didn’t destroy the porn industry, didn’t put filters on the iphones, didn’t do all of the soul work for them or even make it easier not to look at porn). But, with compassion, he acknowledged their humanity and met them where they struggled. Instead of judgment, Jesus provided the gift of nourishment. He tended to their wounds with a gentle listening ear and lifted their spirits with grace.
But he said to his disciples, “Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each.” The disciples did so, and everyone sat down. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke them. Then he gave them to the disciples to distribute to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.
Luke 9:15-17
He wants us near, curious to help, to heal and to listen. That is how God feels when we look at porn.